THE UNENTHUSIASTIC CRITIC

THE UNENTHUSIASTIC CRITIC

THE EVIL DEAD (1981)

She: "That's the fakest ankle-stabbing I've seen in my entire life."
Me: "Just how many ankle-stabbings have you seen, exactly?"

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NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD (1968)

"Zombies aren't really the way to scare me anyway…On the other hand: white people with guns? That's scary."

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MAGIC MIKE (2012)

"Here's my problem with male stripping: I don't want your penis in my face. I don't want to worry about getting herpes of the eye. That is not a turn on."

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ALIENS (1986)

"Burke needs to die. Because he's an asshole. In a vest. This isn't Outward Bound: why's he wearing a fucking vest?"

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ALIEN (1979)

"Fuck that shit! Donate to PETA when you get home, but do NOT go back for the fucking cat."

The Help (2012)
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THE HELP (2011)

"It's going to make me want to vomit. And you know, I always leave these movies hating white people, so that's just going to be bad for you."

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IT (1990)

"DON'T TALK TO SEWER CLOWNS!"

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FREAKS (1932)

"I mean, that would require seriously expert surgical skills, and most of them had feet for hands. So…I don’t think it’s feasible. "

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THE THING (1982)

"Fuck this shit. I would just kill everybody, day one, and lock myself in a closet. 'Sorry, but somebody here is fucked up, and I know it’s not me, so everybody gotta go.'”

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THE EXORCIST (1973)

"It's not cool to make your mama drink your hymen juice. That is not okay."

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THE SOUND OF MUSIC (1965)

"On your knees, Fraulein! This is what happens when you leave the Lord. Tweeeeeeeeeeeet…"

Star Wars (1977)
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STAR WARS (1977)

Me: "It's pure Joseph Campbell. It's a classic hero's journey."
She: "His journey is that his balls still need to drop."