THE UNENTHUSIASTIC CRITIC

THE UNENTHUSIASTIC CRITIC

GONE WITH THE WIND (1939) – Part One

"I’m not doing this. In the time it would take to watch this movie, the polar icecaps would be melting further, and we could all end up dying in a flood. And my last activity on this earth would be watching Gone with the Fucking Wind. And it would be your fault."

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BLADE RUNNER (1982)

"So I think I’ve always just put Blade Runner in that Waterworld, Thunderdome type of movie genre, where people are fighting wars over pee, or using pee as water, or whatever. I don’t know."

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JU-ON: THE GRUDGE (2003)

"I don’t need to investigate shit! Something ain’t supposed to be there, I’m getting the fuck out! Peace!"

Re-Animator (1985)
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RE-ANIMATOR (1985)

"Ohhhhhhhhhhh-kay. Oh, No. NO. OOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHH I am out of here. I am done. No. NO. NO! Are you fucking kidding me?"

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THE HAUNTING (1963)

"I don’t like this director. And I didn’t like the remake. Therefore, I’m not really sure why we have to do this dance."

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THE EVIL DEAD (1981)

She: "That's the fakest ankle-stabbing I've seen in my entire life."
Me: "Just how many ankle-stabbings have you seen, exactly?"

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NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD (1968)

"Zombies aren't really the way to scare me anyway…On the other hand: white people with guns? That's scary."

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MAGIC MIKE (2012)

"Here's my problem with male stripping: I don't want your penis in my face. I don't want to worry about getting herpes of the eye. That is not a turn on."

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ALIENS (1986)

"Burke needs to die. Because he's an asshole. In a vest. This isn't Outward Bound: why's he wearing a fucking vest?"

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ALIEN (1979)

"Fuck that shit! Donate to PETA when you get home, but do NOT go back for the fucking cat."

The Help (2012)
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THE HELP (2011)

"It's going to make me want to vomit. And you know, I always leave these movies hating white people, so that's just going to be bad for you."

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IT (1990)

"DON'T TALK TO SEWER CLOWNS!"

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FREAKS (1932)

"I mean, that would require seriously expert surgical skills, and most of them had feet for hands. So…I don’t think it’s feasible. "

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THE THING (1982)

"Fuck this shit. I would just kill everybody, day one, and lock myself in a closet. 'Sorry, but somebody here is fucked up, and I know it’s not me, so everybody gotta go.'”

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THE EXORCIST (1973)

"It's not cool to make your mama drink your hymen juice. That is not okay."

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THE SOUND OF MUSIC (1965)

"On your knees, Fraulein! This is what happens when you leave the Lord. Tweeeeeeeeeeeet…"

Star Wars (1977)
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STAR WARS (1977)

Me: "It's pure Joseph Campbell. It's a classic hero's journey."
She: "His journey is that his balls still need to drop."