"'If you can paint, I can walk.' Well, he can't paint. And, by the way, that's not how science works, bitch!"
THE UNENTHUSIASTIC CRITIC
"Santa, just get your moody ass up and do your job! It's your job!"
Because when you fall in love with a movie-geek, this is what you get…
"Don't show me shit like this anymore. Seriously, don't do this."
"They’re hanging umbilical cords on trees. This is where you get back on your plane and let these people do whatever the fuck they want to do."
"At least pick up something to hit somebody with! I mean, white people live there: there's gotta be a golf club somewhere!"
"Let’s be real. You can’t detach this nostalgia and romanticizing of this entire civilization from the fact that it was born on the back of chattel slavery. So to ignore this whole piece of the narrative, and create this idea that you are the oppressed people is just disgusting."
"I’m not doing this. In the time it would take to watch this movie, the polar icecaps would be melting further, and we could all end up dying in a flood. And my last activity on this earth would be watching Gone with the Fucking Wind. And it would be your fault."
"So I think I’ve always just put Blade Runner in that Waterworld, Thunderdome type of movie genre, where people are fighting wars over pee, or using pee as water, or whatever. I don’t know."
"When you traffic in this territory, however satirical or irreverent you want to be, it takes a much stronger empathy towards the material in order to be successful."
"I don’t need to investigate shit! Something ain’t supposed to be there, I’m getting the fuck out! Peace!"
"Ohhhhhhhhhhh-kay. Oh, No. NO. OOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHH I am out of here. I am done. No. NO. NO! Are you fucking kidding me?"
"I don’t like this director. And I didn’t like the remake. Therefore, I’m not really sure why we have to do this dance."
She: "That's the fakest ankle-stabbing I've seen in my entire life."
Me: "Just how many ankle-stabbings have you seen, exactly?"
"Zombies aren't really the way to scare me anyway…On the other hand: white people with guns? That's scary."
"Here's my problem with male stripping: I don't want your penis in my face. I don't want to worry about getting herpes of the eye. That is not a turn on."
"Burke needs to die. Because he's an asshole. In a vest. This isn't Outward Bound: why's he wearing a fucking vest?"
"Fuck that shit! Donate to PETA when you get home, but do NOT go back for the fucking cat."
"It's going to make me want to vomit. And you know, I always leave these movies hating white people, so that's just going to be bad for you."
"DON'T TALK TO SEWER CLOWNS!"
"I mean, that would require seriously expert surgical skills, and most of them had feet for hands. So…I don’t think it’s feasible. "
"Fuck this shit. I would just kill everybody, day one, and lock myself in a closet. 'Sorry, but somebody here is fucked up, and I know it’s not me, so everybody gotta go.'”
"It's not cool to make your mama drink your hymen juice. That is not okay."
"On your knees, Fraulein! This is what happens when you leave the Lord. Tweeeeeeeeeeeet…"
Me: "It's pure Joseph Campbell. It's a classic hero's journey."
She: "His journey is that his balls still need to drop."
"Really? We're still farting?"