"Zombies aren't really the way to scare me anyway…On the other hand: white people with guns? That's scary."
"Here's my problem with male stripping: I don't want your penis in my face. I don't want to worry about getting herpes of the eye. That is not a turn on."
"Burke needs to die. Because he's an asshole. In a vest. This isn't Outward Bound: why's he wearing a fucking vest?"
"Fuck that shit! Donate to PETA when you get home, but do NOT go back for the fucking cat."
"It's going to make me want to vomit. And you know, I always leave these movies hating white people, so that's just going to be bad for you."
"DON'T TALK TO SEWER CLOWNS!"
"I mean, that would require seriously expert surgical skills, and most of them had feet for hands. So…I don’t think it’s feasible. "
"Fuck this shit. I would just kill everybody, day one, and lock myself in a closet. 'Sorry, but somebody here is fucked up, and I know it’s not me, so everybody gotta go.'”
"It's not cool to make your mama drink your hymen juice. That is not okay."
"On your knees, Fraulein! This is what happens when you leave the Lord. Tweeeeeeeeeeeet…"
Me: "It's pure Joseph Campbell. It's a classic hero's journey."
She: "His journey is that his balls still need to drop."
"Really? We're still farting?"